We have this counter area that separates our kitchen from a seating
area. There are two tall chairs there and it's also a good spot for
lighting and I often work there with my laptop. I like it because I can
move one of there chairs and stand there to work and everything is just
the right height. I have plenty of room for the laptop, my iPhone, a
handful of peanut butter cups, and my drink with a straw. I almost
always drink from a straw, especially since I got the pricey fake teeth
that feel kind of weird with hot and cold stuff. The counter is also
one of the few places Suki never goes. The other night I was working on
something with my drink (on the counter) by my side and stepped away for a few minutes
to help my husband with something. I came back to the counter and
started working on stuff. I needed a drink and as soon as I felt the
straw in my mouth I realized the counter is not really a place that
Suki never goes. And, she likes straws. I immediately ran to the
kitchen and spit the Diet Coke and whatever cat saliva residue was left
on my straw out in the sink and then had to swish like 25 times. I was
pretty sure there was somehow kitty litter in my mouth too because cats
lick everything. Then of course I had to take a photo of the straw Suki
bit to death without me noticing until it was in my mouth. I check my drink every time I take a sip now.
It should not be a shock to anyone why I don't answer my phone or the
door. It's just never anything good when I do. Yesterday, a few
minutes after my husband left for a doctor appointment, my doorbell
rang. I looked through the peep hole and saw a uniformed cop type
person. Oh shit! He's dead and they've come to alert me! They probably
called and I didn't answer the fucking phone! I open the door and she
asks to see my license and proof of vaccinations. Uh, WHAT? She wanted
proof that we had a license for our dear cat. Yes, the animal police
are coming door-to-door to check the status of your pet licenses. In LA
County, your housekeeper and your gardener need not run for cover when
the doorbell rings, but your pets better hide.
The pet police woman explained that a license is mandatory in LA County
and required proof of vaccines and sterilization. I had those things
but had no idea where they were because if something is not on my
iPhone, I don't know where it is. She made an appointment to come back
the next day. I closed the door and started sweating. First, I hid my
supply of Ambien, then I hid Suki while we gathered all her documents
while texting my lawyer who also has cats. It's always good to warn
your lawyer that she might also be in violation of some ridiculous law
about vaccinated and sterilized domestic cats. I had no idea we needed to have our cat licensed. We got the required
proof that our cat is disease and uterus-free and waited.
The pet police came back today and little rebel Suki is now a legal resident of LA County. I am turning off the doorbell now.
I always pretty much knew I didn't ever want to be pregnant. One day many
years ago Karen solidified that feeling when she stumbled across some
article about freaky disorders and pregnant women who (due to hormone
changes) suddenly crave pavement and porcelain and knock their teeth
out trying to eat it. Even though I have never craved either of those
things, I figured that would be the thing that would happen to me. I'd
see pavement and wonder if I could ever crave it. When I'd brush my
teeth and spit into the sink I'd wonder if I'd ever want to chomp on
the rim of the bowl. Neither thing ever, ever, ever sounded tasty. It
totally freaked me out and I always associated pregnancy with wanting
to eat sidewalk. And I made sure to never get pregnant.
The other morning summer left with a forceful wind. It made our kitten
very nervous when I opened the sliding glass door to let some fresh air
in. She ran up stairs right away. Moments later I heard an odd clicking
noise coming from the small upstairs bathroom that's mostly just a sink
Suki was trying to EAT THE SINK. She got nervous and craved porcelain. Her tiny teeth nervously bit all the way around the rim of the sink. I got dizzy. I also got my camera.
It just figures that I got the cat with the disorder I have been trying to avoid.
Karen and I used to have two dogs, Sam (she was the second Sam we had ) and
Mandy. Sam and Mandy were opposites. Sam was the baddest dog ever. And
Mandy was the sweetest, cuddliest dog you could imagine. Both dogs had
one thing in common: they barked at air, falling leaves, their own
shadows. And, they did it non-stop. I don't recall a night ever when
one of us wasn't up shaking a can of coins to make the barking stop. I
am sure the neighbors just loved us. When we had only Sam, people told
us if we got another dog Sam would bark less because she'd have a
friend. What a load of crap that turned out to be. We just had two
barking dogs (and one who would eat her own crap right after barking
for an hour which made the situation even weirder).
So now I have this cat. She's cute and cuddly and fun to play with. And
she is the meowiest cat ever. She is the Mandy of cats except she's not
eating her own poo (yet). She's even got a good sarcastic meow which makes me
think she is a cat from The Tribe. Any chance she gets to respond to
something I have said, she will, even if I am talking on the phone. She
has an opinion on everything. It's cute during the day when we are
awake. It's also quieter.
At night she turns into really LOUD meowiest cat ever. I have barely
slept in weeks and I am really starting to feel it. Of course I have
been twittering my annoyance and everyone is telling me to let her in
our bed, get another cat, or let her into the wild as cats are supposed
to be. Uh huh. I am not one of those people who wants to sleep with a
cat in the bed. I have a husband in my bed to cuddle with. I don't like
cat hair in my bed. I don't like cat dander in my bed. I don't like cat
drool in my bed. We put a pillowy bed for Suki in our room (on the
floor) but the problem is she is a kitten. Like cigarette smoke that
doesn't know how to stay in the smoking section, she doesn't know how
to stay in her own bed. After 2 hours in the kitten bed, she jumps onto
our bed and heads straight for my face. I have now lived through my
worst fears: spiders and cats attacking my face. I don't want anything
with claws attacking my face. I don't want anything that licks its own
butt licking my face. Suki has claws and she licks her own butt. And
she loves my face. Sleeping in our bed is not an option. She's not
scratching at the door to get in our room at night, she is just meowing
at the air, the table, the couch.
As for getting another cat to keep her company, see the first
paragraph. Why would I want two meowing cats? I am not falling for that
I am also not going to let my beloved kitten out into the wild where
there are turkey beasts, rabid raccoons, and coyotes salivating and
ready to pounce. That would be like me telling you to let your toddler
go play on the freeway so he can learn about tires. Kids love things
that spin, they need to be where they are with things they love! Are there videos like Baby Einstein but for cats that I can
play on a continuous loop to stop the meowing? Is there an herbal spray
to quiet her at night? Is there cat ambien? Will she just grow out of
this (she's only 4.5 months now)? Should I get a giant teddy bear to trick her into thinking it's me? She could jump on the teddy bear's face instead! Help a sleepy seester out. How can I make my cat less meowy at night?
When we were kids, Karen had a stuffed animal Snoopy and a tabby cat
hand puppet that she loved. They were her favorites! She carried Snoopy
around by his neck, which I am sure would've been really cute in
photos. She called the puppet Kitty Baby and I think it used to scare
the hell out of me, just like this orange bean bag doll I used to have.
Actually, I still have it but it's hidden in a box so I won't have
nightmares. Karen eventually gave me her beloved Snoopy and she kept
puppet Kitty Baby. I still have Snoopy and she still has Kitty Baby.
When Annie started coming around here, the first thing I noticed was
that she was a Kitty Baby cat! A real LIVE PUPPET CAT! Karen's favorite
style of cat! After she died that awful death, I decided that the only
way I'd ever get another cat is if she looked just like* Annie. I
didn't think the odds of that would be very good so that was fine. That
shows what an idiot I am because brown tabby LIVE PUPPET CAT styles are
Along came Suki. Another live Kitty Baby! Karen rushed over to see her,
they fell in love and now I have Karen's Snoopy and the live version of
her beloved puppet. But she has her kids which she said I could have
when they turned 13 and got all moody and talk backy but that hasn't
happened. I think we're even. Let the photos begin.
Photo one: The original Kitty Baby
Photo two: LIVE Kitty Baby and Snoopy taking a disco nap.
*Keep in mind, we named more than one of our dogs Sam. We stick with what we like.
I keep taking pregnancy tests because there are no at-home brain tumor
tests. Some major shift in my chemical makeup must be going on because
I willingly became a cat owner. My beloved leather chairs are wrapped
in foil like an olden days Sarah Lee chocolate cake, a ball with bells
in it sits at my feet, and a lint roller is on the counter next to my
purse because I don't want to be one of those people who wears cat hair
out in public. Had the non-stop mooing meowing combo that I endured the
first 3 days not ended, I would've been a cat owner who gave her cat up
for adoption without regret.
I am back to my normal routine of bon bon eating, tv watching, and once
in a while thinking about art. I am pretty sure my friends are glad we
got the cat so we'll stop talking about that damn garden already. Oh!
Ignacio surprised us with a new, unidentifiable plant last week. I must
get a photo of it!
Cats look adorable in Zen gardens.
My husband is featured in our newspaper today because he has big muscles, and is friendly and fearless. Oh, and he has a cool job. I was really excited to see that they spelled his name right! My curse is not community property! And, I was happy to see nobody dissed him in the interview, unlike the time I was in the same paper. Ah, they must not realize he is married to an outsider. If you read the interview you will see why I love this guy. He has such a great attitude. I especially like the part that says I am understanding (of course). Go read the interview here.
While Dustin was signing autographs, I took Suki to the vet. It turns out my suspicions were right~ she is older than 6-8 weeks for sure! See, I understand things. Suki is about 4 months old! She will be getting spayed in a few weeks which I hope will help with the constant moaning. Hey, I understand the moaning, too. Is it safe to give cats chocolate for PMS relief? She also has fleas! Poor thing. She's all sad and lethargic from all the shots today so I am on cat barf watch while I work.
Karen is on her way over so let's see if Suki will barf all over her Auntie. I think it's time the favor be returned.
In the midst of a very busy and hectic week with stuff I really wanted to do, we suddenly and unexpectedly got a kitten that looks just like our last cat! One of the people at CSI (where my husband works) brought some kittens to work that they were going to take to a shelter and the next thing I knew, this little one was on my couch. I think she is about 6 or 7 weeks old, is very sweet and cuddly, and was kept outside her entire life. She has no idea how to use a litter box even though I keep putting her in it and rubbing her paws in the litter. I fear what is about to happen because though she is eating, she is not going to the bathroom at all, even on the floor. We've made her a home in the bathroom until she learns how to use the box (as all the experts suggest) and I go in every few minutes and play with her. Man, I am tired. I just hope my husband is the one in the bathroom with her when she finally has to go. We've named this little cutie Suki. The Japanese Suki not the True Blood Soooh-kaaaay. Yet, I suspect any day now I will be shrieking Sooooh-kaaay as I clean up a huge mess. I am trying not to get too attached to her until her vet appointment on Friday. I will get attached when I know she is healthy and not a second sooner. I am not in the mood to press my luck.
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