While in the midst of trying times, I become so aware of little things that are helpful (and those that aren't). These things always stick with me and I add them to the never ending list in my head. That time Karen and I were taking our wheelchair bound mother to the doctor and people kept not holding doors open for us has stuck out in my mind more than anything. Now I hold every door open for the person behind me. It is amazing how wonderful someone opening a door for you can be. It sounds small but when you need it, it is huge.
I have a new list of things you can do for your friends or family members as they deal with health issues. Some are even free!
1. Take out the garbage. I would've paid a million imaginary dollars to anyone who could've driven to my house and taken my cans to the curb while I was at the hospital. When a complication arose and I was stuck at the hospital longer than expected, the last thing I wanted to do was drive home to take the cans down. If you live close to your friend, just ask what day garbage service is and tell them you will be there to take the cans down, not to worry. They do not even need to talk to you if they are home, you will be happy to do it and leave.
2. Get the drugs. Offer to pick up the prescriptions for your friend and drop them off.
3. Walk the dog, pet the cat. The night I had to come home to take the garbage cans down, I was also worried about Zibby being alone. Sometimes the pets need extra attention, especially on long nights when their people are not home and they do not know what is going on. Offer to play with the pets. Having a
dropcam during this time was especially helpful. I could look and see if Zibby had food and water and Dustin could see Zibby while he was in the hospital. If your friend's house has good wifi, the dropcam could also be a good, comforting gift. Maybe a group gift, it is pricey. It's aslo good for spying on your teens to see if they are sneaking out, but that is another blog post.
4. Pick up, drop off. When Karen was going through cancer treatment and then neck surgery and recovery, one big issue was taking kids to school, practices, games, etc. Offer to pick up the kids or drop them off somewhere. The stress of trying to figure out how to get to whatever treatment you have and trying to get the kids where they need to be is hard. Even if there is no thing the kids need to be at, offer to take them for ice cream or something fun. Kids need a distraction from the adult stress and the people who love the kids need to know they are getting to still be kids.
5. Know the drink order. If you are at Starbucks, get your friend their drink and drop it off. The restorative power of your daily drink is miraculous.
6. Send a card. So simple and can make the day a million times better. You don't have to run errands, give time, or spend money to give your friend some comfort. A simple card can seriously make a bad day a better one. If you are the type who is not so great with being comforting and avoid your friend because you do not know what to do, this is the best and easiest thing. Everyone loves a card. Even if you do not have time to get to the store to get a card, write a note, doodle, or send a post-it. It is a HUGE mood lifter! If you are not sure how much a stamp is anymore, you can always send a simple "thinking of you" text. Put those emoticons to good use!
7. Get the hell out. This may be the most important advice if your friend is caring for a sick loved-one while also trying to work at home (welcome to 2014!) . It is really hard to care for a loved one while trying to do your work. It is great to want to stop by and visit but know that staying too long can be a problem. Caregivers are exhausted and over extended. It can be a challenge to ask for help with things when we also worry that our friends will be offended if we do not want to socialize.
Don't make your friend worry about being rude on top of everything. Tell them you will be happy to drop off, leave things at the door, etc.
Let them know your offer of assistance is not contingent on you making them lunch or spending an hour visiting. Your friends know your time is valuable, too, and do not want you to sacrifice your time with your own family and work to help them.
We have a tradition in our family of one sibling telling the other where all important information is (and where the secret stash of chocolate is hidden). Do not wait until tragedy strikes to do this. Tell someone you trust where your important documents are, where there is an extra key, what day garbage day is. It is much easier to be of assistance at a bad time when you have information ahead of time. Remember the list you always had taped to your refrigerator for the babysitter? Keep one of those for life in general.
***And...THANK YOU to everyone who has sent cards, dropped off drinks, fed us, given us encouragement, and been patient and supportive. Extra gratitude for all the patience. We so totally appreciate our friends and family now and always. ***