Lately I have been feeling stuck between being compassionate and infuriatingly annoyed. And in this case, lately means for 41 years. The last few months have been better because I have been extra aware of what is bugging me because some huge things are not bugging me anymore, making room for me to notice the rest. And in this case, better just means different. In all my free time when I am not being compassionate or annoyed, I have been watching LockUp. Shows about people in prison scare the hell out of me and I can't stop watching. I think it's really interesting when the convicted murderers are interviewed by the producers about why they killed their victims and their response is almost always because they were disrespected, yo. They don't waffle between compassion and annoyance. That is frightening (and wrong, of course). I am sure I do not always say or do the right thing. I am sure there are people who think I have disrespected them, yo. I hope they won't kill me. People are always really quick to tell me when I have done something to bug them and I hope they will give me the benefit of the doubt.
Yet, I've been noticing that seemingly sane people don't seem at all bothered that I might be feeling disrespected, yo, by their actions. Why is it a one-sided deal? Is the problem me? Do I give off a stomp- all- over -me vibe? If I do, when did that start happening? When I was in my twenties, I was much quicker to respond to people who were rude or dismissive because I was younger and did not know what I know now--that it really does no good at all to say anything. People over the age of 25 usually know right from wrong and if they have wronged you and you call them on it, they will just get defensive and blame YOU anyway. It used to be the cool thing to tell people not to do the thing that bugged you and to be heard. The reality is they heard you the second you said it then kept doing what you don't like when you calmed down. It was supposed to make you feel better just to say what you wanted but what usually followed never made it worth it.
Now that I am in my forties, after years of being more silent* than not when feeling disrespected, yo, I wanted to see what would happen if I spoke up to the offenders of my sensibilities (instead of just venting to my sister). I wanted to know if my thoughts would change or at the very least if some funny stories would happen.
Over the next few blog posts, I will share my experiences and life lesson with you.
*Silent-ish because I didn't want to deal with anyone's stupid load of crap they were going to dump on me in response to being called out. It doesn't mean I let people treat me badly. I did/do not stay in unhealthy situations. I still follow the Company Policy.
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