The first edition of Meeting In The Ladies Room is up for a People's
Choice Award at Blurb! The voting is open until August 20th and we
would love it if our people voted for our book and supported the ladies.
Now, we can't in good faith say that without saying that we are easily
annoyed by voting systems that take forever and have way too many steps
required to cast a vote. If we have to register then wait for a
confirmation email them confirm a password then we are not going to
vote. We can't do all that and read the Sookie Stackhouse books while
watching True Blood at the same time. We don't want our people to be
annoyed and frustrated. From what we have heard, it took voters less
than a minute to vote and they received a coupon! So, if you have a
minute please helps us spread the word and click on over and vote.
After you've voted, come back here and tell us what you had for lunch!
We're giving away a free copy of Meeting In The Ladies Room* to one lucky winner! You don't even need to register or remember a password for this. Just eat
something and tell us what it was. Leave a comment here by Monday,
August 2nd for your chance to win. All names will tossed in a popcorn
bag and one winner will be randomly selected.
Yesterday I was supposed to be writing and illustrating something deep,
meaningful, and smart but all that was coming out of me was this is so
totally fucked up. The dogs next door were barking non-stop, balls were
bouncing off the fence and into my yard at lightening speed, and the
most annoying kids ever yelled RED ROVER RED ROVER on repeat (listen here) on the
other side of the yard for hours. Trying to paint or take photos in my
own back yard was too dangerous. And, my hair looked bad which made
everything worse.
So, I did the opposite of deep and meaningful (Hello, Procrastination
City!). I did what Rynna suggested the other day and moved the pot of
buzzing basil over to the hole where the dogs poke their noses through
and bark to see what would happen. It's always wise to tempt barking,
frothing at the mouth dogs. Apparently a pot of basil full of bees is a
dog magnet!
They got very excited and couldn't get their noses in the hole fast
enough! The bees didn't even bother them! I think the bees got even
happier! I quickly moved the basil away from the fence because I
didn't want dog drool on the basil I eat. Or would eat if I could get to
it without a bee stinging me.
Now we know, basil full of bees makes dogs bark even more. Something tells me it wouldn't silence the kids, either.
*There's a common denominator with the barking dogs and kids who repeat the same sentence all day. Both have parents who don't pay attention to them. Different neighbors but the same problem.
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Here's a new photo of me praying before today's big game that nobody
tackles me or scores a touchdown on us. Oh wait, that's right, I am not
on a football team! It's a shame because my new hair style looks exactly
like a football helmet with fake curls spray painted on it at a really
unflattering angle. I always wanted to look like a linebacker!
When I went to the salon this morning, I didn't take a photo of a
celebrity and I didn't ask the stylist to make magic. I asked her to
make me look like me. I brought a photo of myself, just like I always
do. I always only ever want the same thing- an a-line bob, shorter in
the back longer in the front and NO 70's VIBE... just like in the photo
here of me that I am showing you. And yet, the last few times I have
left I have had a pixey with two long pieces in the front or a box on my
head (what every short round person wants!). And before that, it was
concave bangs. It doesn't matter if I pay $300 or $45. I only ever get
the style I want once and then the stylist goes bad or crazy or
disappears.
This time I spoke up (nicely) and said the cut was wrong and that the
angle was not right but there comes a point where you're sitting there
looking at yourself in the mirror and you realize you're just fucked
(again).
*This was the photo I took to the salon.
I've been trying some new looks to make myself feel better. Photos are in my flickr.
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On Sunday I made it to my friend's house in Glendale without getting
lost. That's two days in a row I didn't end up pulling over calling
someone for directions. If I were you, I'd prepare a disaster kit and
keep it with you at all times. I am going to. This weekend was such an
adventure! We went from Glendale to to the Renegade Craft Fair in
Downtown LA and I saw more color and was inspired more by the life I saw
getting there than anything at the fair. The day before Renegade, I
went to the Quilt Festival with friends and despite the Holly Hobby
dress I posted, there were some really amazing quilts that were so
detailed and bursting with color and story that you could not help but
stop and stare. I could look at them for hours. Trees with wild limbs,
villages full of fun houses, even rebellious black boots were honored
in quilt form. It would surprise me that the most abstract and haunting
quilts were most often created by the most bland looking people ever.
They sat proudly behind their amazing quilts wearing the same bra
they've had on since 1974, in a t-shirt with cat appliques, hair
half-gray, and skin so in need of moisturizer I almost pulled out my
travel size tube of Jergen's and started smearing. I kept expecting the
really modern quilts to be made by people who looked like their art.
Everyone was really nice and very open minded and creative, they just
did not look happy. Or alive. It was weird. But, sellers in the booths
were really friendly, talkative, and outgoing. There was never a time
when we walked in a booth and were not greeted with a hello. Average
age= over 40.
So, on to Renegade. The people in the etsy booth were really nice,
outgoing, and fun. That was pretty much the only booth where the people
were energetic and fun (except for one t-shirt booth that I feel bad I
forgot the name of). The people in the Urban Craft Center booth were
lifeless and aloof. There was a lot of really good jewelry with really
good displays and the jewelry designers seemed busier than everyone else
even though nobody seemed to be buying much of anything. There was
beautiful pottery! The paper arts stuff was all the same thing done to
death. Clip art owls, water towers, and birds on telephone wires on
everything. EVERYTHING. There were way too many people using old
typewriters to display their items. Owls and typewriters! I don't get
what is so renegade about these things. If there were not enough owls to
buy, you could pose in an owl cut out and have your photo taken near
the band. Many of the artists sat in their booths working on their
projects while people browsed. Many of the artists were tattooed, had
piercings, or dreadlocks. Of course, they worse scarves and it was 95 degrees out. They looked like they belonged with the art
quilts. Average age of the Renegades= Hipster.
My overall thought is that grandmas made really cool art and hipsters
made art I thought was made by grandmas. The Renegade craft people
should give the grandmas makeovers and do a fair with them. Everything was backwards. Nobody looked like the art they made.The Quilt
Festival won.
In between the Quilt Festival and the Renegade Craft Fair, we explored
Long Beach. Oh how I loved it! The best display I saw of the entire
weekend of art events was at a sunglass shop. No old typewriters were
used! An artist created a display out of old Clorox bottles. How unconventional ! The shops in Long Beach were full of cool, unique things.On Sunday , we made our way to Glendale where the shops were also full of
good things to see and buy. Lots of different things. No owls, no
typewriters. Lots of quilts.
My second overall thought is that right now stores have better stuff
than the indie-craft fair did. The stores are also catering to a market
of adults who like things made for adults. Little drawings of girls
dressed as penguins holding umbrellas just don't seem popular with
people over forty.
My third overall thought is that if you take your dog to an out door
craft fair, don't. Dog poop smell on a hot day is bad at a craft fair.
It's bad any day but come on, it's not nice to do to the
crafters/artists who have to sit there all day after you don't pick up
after your dog. Also, when people are looking at stuff in a booth at eye
level they don't expect a dog to be at their feet and could
accidentally kick your dog. Why would you want your dog to be stuck in a
crowd of people?
*A bad photo of the cool Clorox bottle display
*A bad photo (so I made it really small so you can't really see it) of
me and my new BFF Alisa- see we both wear those rolly up sleeve shirts! I
love that it's a bad photo because my friend who took it had never used
an iPhone camera before and that was funny.
* Way too many owls.
*Way too many typewriters.
*We are real renegades. We rode the trolley at The Americana while
trying (many times) to get a decent iPhone photo of us on the trolley.
I'm so losing my street cred. That trolley is fun. It would be even
funner with an ice cream cone. It's free, ride it!
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Some amazing things happened today. First, I didn't get lost on the way to Long Beach. I have no idea how that happened at all. Second,
I (FINALLY!) met the lovely Alisa Burke and her name is pronounced
Ah-lisssssa like I made fun of myself that it would be. I have pronounced
it wrong for YEARS! How embarrassing! How come nobody told me? I wonder
who else's name I am saying wrong. Just so we are even, I won't mind
when she calls me Karen when I move into her closet and we have tea on
her patio with her decorated pots while we wear cute patchwork hoodies
that she will make for us. I haven't discussed that plan with her yet
but maybe she won't notice an extra person in the
house. She is fantastic and has such great ideas so if you get a chance
to take her classes, buy her books, or read her blog- DO! You won't be
sorry you did. Third, my friend Marlene has been going on and on about this olive oil
bar (We Olive) and how amazing it is and I was thinking yeah right how
great could that be? Well, SHE SHOWED ME! My friends Marlene and Trudi
and I went to an olive oil bar. At an olive oil bar, the bartender pours
oil and you sit there with a stack of bread and taste the oils. My
life has been forever changed by a blood orange olive oil and balsamic
vinegar mix. Oh, I drank that one straight from the plastic cup it was
in! We all did. We were drunk on oil and vinegar and it was so fun.
And because I like to break rules, here's a photo of one of the new
fashions at the Quilt Festival. I have no idea who designed it and I am
sorry to say I thought at first it was a costume from Big Love. I will
write more about convention and craft fair fashion after my Renegade
experience tomorrow. I must now google maps to figure out where I am going so I can say I didn't get lost twice in one weekend.
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I'm abandoning responsibility this weekend and meeting up with friends
to check out some artsy events. First up on Saturday is the Quilt
Festival in Long Beach. I'm very excited about this because for the last
few years Alisa Burke and I have been at the same conventions within
feet of each other but not able to actually meet! We've both always been
working and literally pulled in different directions. I'm not working
so I can stalk Alisa and finally meet her! Of course, our meeting will
be contingent on me not being arrested by the Quilt Festival photography
police first. They've got the rules posted on their website! Wouldn't
it be funny if I said "Hi, Alisa..." and she said, " It's
Ah-Lissssssaaaaaah!"? What if I get her name wrong after only knowing
her in email for years? What if all this time I have been saying her
name wrong?
Sunday after Karen bails me out of Photographer Prison, I'm off to the
Renegade Craft Fair at the famous Cornfield. So famous that after living
in LA for over 20 years I have never heard of it. Hmmmm. How do I not
know about a place called The Cornfield? That sounds like a place with
carnival food! Or serial killers. I think on Sunday it will be full of
middle aged women with short bangs wearing t-shirts with owls screen
printed on them and men with scraggly beards. Or wait, is that the
ReadyMade Magazine uniform? Either way, I am happy to be leaving Awesome
Town for an adventure! If I see cool stuff (or get in trouble) I will tweet it along the way.
************************************************************************************************* Strawberry Soda prints are available in my shop.
Visit Linda Woods Artworks for prints on canvas, paper, or wood for all size spaces and budgets.
Recently, I was telling Karen that I don't think I have ever been stung by a bee. As soon as I said it I tried to get the words back in my mouth but it's hard to get bee back in because it's pretty much just a letter. A short, quick, stupid letter that comes out too fast. I realized that saying I'd never been stung by a bee would be one of those thoughts that becomes reality even though I don't actually think if you just think of something it happens unless you think of barfing.
Now, when I am not looking there are bees where I don't expect them. Like in my BASIL! Without even looking, I stuck my hand in my pot of basil to snip the flowers off and the whole plant moved and buzzed. I didn't realize it was FULL of bees! Naturally I screamed and ran inside to get my camera. Well, duh, I guess the flowers attract bees and basil honey with mozzarella something pasta sounds good, but still, I can't eat that basil now or get within ten feet of it without a stick. I know, I know, we need bees. But do they have to be so frightening and near my food? I am more afraid of bees than I am of spiders. Maybe the the bees will hear those annoying dogs next door and leave.
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I spent some time in my art closet with a handful or memories and some mixed media. Half way through, I spilled an open bottle or tangerine paint on the beige carpet and as I ran to get the bottle of rubbing alcohol to clean it up, Suki ran in and splashed in the puddle of spilled paint then dashed through the house. The piece is called Namaste Peace Love and it's for sale in my shop (where you can see it in greater detail). It's hard to stay mad at a damn bottle of spilled paint when you feel so happy being covered in it. I was so droppy today!
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As in any fairy tale, just when you think you're out of the woods, there is more to the woods than you thought; just when you think you are out of the woods, it turns out you're still in them. -John Irving, The Hotel New Hampshire
That quote has stuck with me ever since I first read it forever ago. I always remember it whenever I am frustrated or tangled up in something. Lately I have been tangled in learning how to use a tablet and pen instead of a mouse with some new software and I've said that quote to myself many times. It figures that my name is woods because I seem to be stuck there a lot. So far I have gotten frustrated when the pen I quickly grabbed to take notes with would not write on paper and then tossed it in the garbage without thinking. Luckily I found it when I went to use the tablet later and the pen was MIA. While being about to draw with the mouse I wasn't using, I put the tablet pen in my mouth like I would a normal pencil and grabbed an unplugged mouse. Those pens are not chewy, be warned. While holding the tablet pen in my hand and reading, I didn't realize I clicked the buttons on the pen repeatedly (I guess in rhythm with my thoughts) and opened a million documents and images all at the same time. It turns out that if the pen is anywhere near the base it KNOWS what to click on. For the love of Buddha, man, do not listen to any music while holding that pen. And do not just drop the pen on the tablet. Just set it down gently or your world will explode. I've learned a lot this weekend. Mostly that I have no control over my hands. I am a total spaz. I am not giving up. I will conquer this beast in the techno forest.
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Our Ladies Room partner Pam came to visit a couple weeks ago I was so happy there was someone not
related to us seeing what was happening. And by happening, I mean someone was here seeing that we weren't exaggerating about what we attract. Finally, an independent
WITNESS to the madness! In the week that Pam was here~ 1. Our air-conditioning broke and a
frumpy reject from the Depressed Russian Clown circus came to repair it
and he was hell bent on blaming the problem with our a/c on the way our
house was built and how much stuff was in my closet. He slammed his
heavy bag of tools down on my antique tea cart then got mad at the tea
cart! After he put a little coolant in the unit and recharged it (which
solved the problem immediately -without me needing to toss a box from
the closet), he measured the house, stomped through it, and told us the best way to use the
air conditioner was to turn it off and open the windows because the
house was beeelt all wrong. All zeee houses are beeeelt wrong! Okaaaay.
The guy was sent from our home warranty company. I would not recommend
them. Apparently, not many people would.
2. We drove over to Karen's and somehow while we were relaxing by the
pool, the wires connecting the battery in my car got loose and my car
was dead. At night. Far away from home. The jumper cables Karen had were
all sparking flames of death so of course my husband who was suddenly
in a broken down car bad mood (he's a man) hands ME the cables of death
to hold while he tried to fix the problem (which just made everyone
laugh more and him madder). Why would anyone trust me to hold anything that sparks? Oh, Pam posed for a photo and the hood of the car suddenly
fell on her head. Luckily, Pam survived. We didn't have the right tools
and ended up having to borrow Karen's car to get home and my husband
had to go back in the morning before Karen had to catch a flight out of
town. The relaxing day turned into quite an adventure.
3. Those fucking dogs next door. She heard them. She saw them. She told
them to settle down. Oh, yes she did! She also heard their owners throw a
party with the absolute worst music ever. You can hear one of the dogs,
too.
4. Pam makes really good tomato sauce. Pretty much all of the west coast
knows this now. Pam is single. I'm not breaking any secrets here but
that's an important part of this story. If you've been reading along for
the last 8 months you know that one of my biggest challenges has been
making meals that include protein, carbs, and veggies for my husband who
is picky. He's not like me. He can't pop open a box of crackers and
call it a meal. What a freak! I kid, I love him. But still, dinner every
night is a lot of work when you are used to just cooking one thing for
yourself.
Near the end of the weak after the Depressed Russian Clown incident, the
broken down car, the barking dogs, not much sleep, and shlepping all
over the place*, we decide it would be a good day to stay in and make art
and Pam's Famous Sauce! This, while my husband screamed I FUCKING
KILLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING SHOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
while he played Call of Duty all day. I had thought about making chicken
with the pasta and sauce and garlic bread but it was getting late and
the dogs were barking and the music was so bad. And the sauce was going
to be so good! I was high on the aroma of onions and garlic. Pasta with
homemade sauce, garlic bread, then cookies, who needs MEAT?! Dinner was
made and my husband came down to get some and took it back upstairs to
his game. Pam and I sat down to eat after a long day and then it came
from upstairs Linda, where is the meat? I believe at that very moment--judging by the look on her face--
Pam totally got my life. I think she also decided cooking for one was
way, way easier.
And mixed in with all the crazy we found time to go on a date with
my boyfriend Joe. I think she totally understands that relationship now,
too. There's protein in peanut butter cups.
*We had a great time and were laughing all week.
[Photo from Sara's phone while we waited for my car to be fixed]
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