I Am Art

living dangerously

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~People watching on gorgeous spring days. It looks like this cute grandma was enjoying it from her bench on the Venice boardwalk, too.
~Trader Joe's Nacho Cheese tortilla chips. If there's more than one person in your house, you better get two bags.
~Nurse Jackie and United States Of Tara are back on. Oooh, and Sheriff Bullock has a new show. I am not loving Justified yet but he's so easy on the eyes that I don't care if it's good.
~Thinking of all the survey takers and telemarketers calling my phone number and getting the "this number is no longer in service" recording. Life really is better without the phone ringing every 5 minutes.
~Cooking Light reviews the best bacon (the bad side is we have never seen or heard of any of them).
~Speaking of bacon, Happy Passover to Our People! We're breaking the meat and dairy rule this year. We're living dangerously. Let's celebrate with some Adam Lambert, a nice Jewish boy, singing in Hebrew.

Our Bêtes Noires:
~Recently, Karen, my husband, and I ordered CAKE at a BAKERY cafe  and when we sat down at a table to eat it people stopped at our table and stared at us. Or glared at us. Or commented on us having cake. We weren't even being loud or anything.  Aren't you supposed to get cake at a bakery? There were three of us and three pieces of cake. What is odd about that? People so don't know how to live anymore.
~The Venice Beach Boardwalk used to be a cool place to get unique art , buy good cheap clothes and do lots of people watching by the beach. Now it is just a place to buy marijuana, get a henna tattoo, and smell people who haven't showered in months. How sad. There's not even a lot of places to get food which is odd considering how much pot there is to buy.
~We are officially old. We spent an entire day saying "Back in the day, this place used to be so good. What happened to it?Remember?"
~Those rude kitchen ladies on Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. Oh my Buddha!  They were more like evil Yard Duties.  I don't understand being so resistant to change if the change will help you be healthy and live longer.
~Dr. Drew saying every married celeb man who cheats on his wife is a sex addict. This is getting silly. We are so sick of hearing about men who are sex addicts and the women who love them being love addicts. How about that these people are just careless and self-absorbed? Why must every bad behavior be blamed on some type of new addiction?

when I was young

I wanted to make a list of all the things that happened in my life when I was 40 but the thing about being 40 is you lose your memory. I've been sitting here tying to remember everything but it seems like everything I am remembering was when I was 39. Now I totally know why people over 40 always just say they are 39. Nobody can remember how old they really are or when anything happened.
I do know some things happened.
~I made a dream come true with Karen and Pam
~I found out I really could eat at Chipotle every day and not get sick of it.
~I got addicted to Starbucks iced green tea.
~I listened to this song on repeat every day. And this one. And this one.
~I got a cat. Oh my Buddha, I got a CAT!
~I finally got the zen garden I always wanted.
~I still never had the fried chicken I'd been craving since I was 38.
~I said less.
~I was right just as much.
~I took risks that were worth it.
~I took the easy way out and it was much easier.
~I finally got my tooth and my smile back.
~Things that I can't talk about totally started happening (good things).
~I barfed in the parking lot in front of a huge crowd at the Starbucks I went to every day.
~I had the worst hair cut ever, ever, ever!
~I could never find anything to wear.
~I photographed the amazing Jann Arden in a bathroom and she was a willing participant.
~I went to Disneyland and ate cream cheese pretzels with The Happy Hooker and Co.
~I declared war on every spider in existence.

What did you do while I was 40? Or while you were 40? And have you had any good fried chicken?

*The photos of Jann Arden may have happened when I was 39 but I just looked at them again while I am still 40. 39-40, same thing.

tossing and turning

My husband has never been a huge fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm because he thinks things like that just don't ever happen. Of course I think it is the best and funniest show ever because stuff like that always happens! One reason Dustin thought stuff like that never happened is because it never did happen to him. He was always at work 16 hours a day and I was here dealing with crazy people and crazy things and all stuff that happens that he thinks doesn't. I'd tell him about the things that happen and he'd be convinced it was just me attracting weirdness and bad luck.  Or maybe since he wasn't genetically blessed with Jew Humor, he sees things differently.
But then he got injured and I was saying things like oh great, some stupid fucked up thing is gonna happen now and he'd give me the you're over reacting look and be all zen. Ahhh....he had no idea what he was in for.
At every appointment we went to before Dustin's operation, Dr. Adorable made a point of telling us that he was making sure to put Dustin's disability claim for NINE MONTHS because once your claim ends you are totally screwed, it's very had to get your claim started again. Yes, that is what he said. Totally Screwed.  He also went on to say there was no way Dustin could go back to work before those NINE months were up, he couldn't even lift a coffee cup with his right hand. This was in January.  Surgery was performed, Dustin was disabled (how sad). And then disability called saying they needed proof that Dustin worked the last ten years. Ahhhh.... it's starting! The claim was delayed because we had to prove that Dustin had indeed paid into disability for the last ten years. Done. Finally a check comes. A few weeks later another check comes. And then a bunch of bills for all the surgery and stuff come and just as I am working out payment plans and figuring out how we will survive on so much less, the disability checks stop coming. A letter came saying Dustin's disability claim had been closed now that he's back at work. WHAT?! It was only the first week in march and he still couldn't hold a coffee cup! It's not just ME attracting IT now! Apparently someone in the accounting department at Dr. Adorable's filled out a form wrong that the disability office sent for verification and boy was Dr. Adorable right! You are totally screwed when your disability ends abruptly, 7 months before it is supposed to because someone who should be paying attention was not. That's totally something that would happen on a tv show. Or to me. The staff at Dr. Adorable's didn't even say SORRY!  They also didn't offer any sedatives which is what you should do when you've totally screwed up your patient's disability claim by saying they are  back at work when they are not. I don't think Larry David's doctors ever offer him sedatives either.
It's been kind of hard to sleep with all this stress but last night we were really tired after Lost (that one almost put us right to sleep, yaaaaaawn), Parenthood, and Justified! As soon as our heads hit the pillow, the Abominable Snowman and the other dog that lives there started barking. And they barked, and barked and barked. All night long. Our neighbors are on their honeymoon in Puerto Rico and left a relative in charge of their 2 barking dogs and 2 meowy cats. Dustin knows this because he talks to the neighbors. Finally at around 6 AM, after hours of tossing and turning and putting pillows over our heads, Dustin sent a text to the neighbor saying their dogs were barking non-stop and did they want him to check on the house. Maybe the relative was dead? So Dustin went out in the cold of morning with his disabled arm and a flashlight, and as soon as the dogs saw him they stopped barking. They just wanted some attention!  He played with the dogs for a while and came back in. His phone started buzzing with a text. It was the neighbor saying her mom is staying in the house and she's not real dog savvy so could Dustin explain to the mom that she needs to have one of the dogs sleep with her and leave the other downstairs.
WHAT?! Explain to the neighbor's mom who we don't even KNOW that she must sleep with one dog? WTF?!  Finally, all the weird things that happen to me on a daily basis are starting to happen to HIM! It's like a real live episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Dustin is the new star of the show!
I can't stop laughing.
Oh, man!

*The JOY FOLLOWS print is available in my shop.

one small can

Is there a trick to getting a case of drinks off the shelf without breaking your nail or your index finger? This is just the LAMEST way of stacking an item for sale. The little place you punch out and grab as a holder is on the right side of all these cases which you can't get to if the stack next to it is the same height. Normally I end up scooting the case out by the end flap but this time it ripped and all the Sprite Zero cans rolled out.  I tried to take a rebel stand by displaying one of  the loose cans in a very angry way, as you can see.  It's just one small can against the giant conglomerate boxes. Surely the rest of the customers will read into that and see the bigger picture there.The really lucky thing is that right behind me was where the self the Reese's Easter Eggs were displayed and in my total embarrassment over the spilling of all the cans, I just grabbed some of those instead.  I am sure the people behind the two-way mirror see this scenario play out all day long.

There has got to be a better way to display and sell these drinks.

just some stuff

I recently designed a line of art for a corporate client (that I can't talk about) and am happy to be able to offer some of the prints in my etsy shop for a limited time.  I really like the simplicity of this line and there are inspiring quotes for just about every situation (and for people of all faiths).  I will be adding more more prints in the next few days as well.

I tend to update my twitter and facebook first when I add art to my shop. If you are not following me there, here is where I am on twitter and facebook. I tweet a lot. In addition to tweeting about art in my shop, I tweet about lunch, being out of deodorant, and what I am discovering at Trader Joe's. Karen tweets about similar things. Here she is. Sometimes we even tweet to each other. Oh how we love twitter!

It seems that there's some counterfeit I AM ART merchandise floating around. That is annoying.  Thanks so much to everyone who pointed it out to us. We appreciate that you are watching out for us! The only place to buy our official trademarked I AM ART merchandise is my etsy shop (I am currently sold out) or at our cafepress shop.

DIE DIE DIE!

My husband has been playing an awful lot of Call Of Duty on XBox.  He plays it on our wide-screen tv in surround sound and no matter where I am in the house, I can hear it. There's not a whole lot he can do since he's not allowed to even lift a sheet with his right arm yet so I am happy he's enjoying the game.  I don't really know what the game is about but (I think)  it's a bunch of soldiers killing people. Every few minutes Dustin yells I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! and I run to shut the windows because I am afraid the neighbors will think he means me and call the police. And when I have to talk on the phone I barricade myself in a corner of the bedroom so the person I am talking to doesn't get scared when they hear him yelling at the motherfucker he's about to KILL!
Our beloved 12  year-old nephew (Karen's son) also has an XBox and when Dustin got the XBox hooked up the the internet, I told Karen about the game thinking one day the happy uncle and nephew could do some fake killing  together.  She got her son the game and of course he got addicted to it, too.
So, I am working on stuff downstairs while Dustin is killing people upstairs and I am listening to all the action (I think).  All the characters were in some building and two of the soldiers were talking about life at home while hunting the enemy.
Soldier #1: Back at home in Arkansas I have a bad ass dirt bike at my mom's house. DIE DIE DIE!!!
Soldier #2: Oh that's cool. My dad is fixing up a 'Stang for me when I get home. I'M COMING AFTER YOU!! It's gonna be bad ass.
Soldier #1: Dude, you'll get the chicks with that. WATCH OUT YOU BASTARDS I AM A BAD ASS!
Soldier #2: Dude, bad ass! Chicks in Kansas are smoking hot, dude! My mom lives there with my grandma. AAAH!!! YOU ARE DEAD!!!

And then there was some rapid gun fire as I stood in my kitchen totally shocked. Why had I not heard about Call Of Duty creating games with such stereotypes? They make their characters all soldiers from broken homes who just say bad ass every few seconds? Does Disney make this game? Oh my Buddha! And I told Karen to get this for her son!  Then I heard the female character speak.

Soldier #3: Watch out guys, look BEHIND YOU!!!! LOOK OUT!!
Soldier #1: Wool, Jenny, you saved us. You are a bad ass!
Soldier #2:  SAVED! You are a bad ass Jenny!

Whew, the token woman in this show is a bad ass. That part is a relief. There was more gun fire and the sound of death.
And then one of the characters yells SHIT! THAT SOCALGRIP KEEPS KILLING ME! Wow. That's some serious technology. It knows and says who is killing who. I had to see that. I went up stairs to look at this game with the soldiers who have dirt bikes and 'stangs waiting for them at home. I had to see what these bad asses looked like. As I was heading upstairs, Soldier #1 announced that he was out, they were serving dinner downstairs.  What? They serve dinner in abandoned buildings in war torn video game destinations? 
I asked Dustin where the token GI Jane is and in between kills he said he doesn't listen to the other players, he just plays the game.
Uhhhh, WHAT? They were not virtual characters. They are real people playing with headsets with microphones in houses somewhere!  The voices came from actual people sitting on couches playing the game.
This might be more disturbing than when it was the game with characters who swore a lot and said bad ass every third word. Disturbing because now I really need to know if that guy will ever get any hot Kansas chicks with the 'stang his daddy is fixing for him. It's gonna be bad ass.

*Dustin does not have that headset thing.

not a hybrid blog

In honor of Karen now being able to say Because I Am 46, we thought we'd start her year off with a list of words she'd rather not hear anymore. Some of the words we are still sick of and those have really got to go.

*Swagger: The worst thing about the overuse of this word is nobody knows what it means and everyone uses it incorrectly.
*Meds: ER is not on anymore, please stop pretending you're Dr. Carter. The correct term is drugs.
*I's: I swear to all that is holy if I see one more person writing "this is Jim and I's new dog..."  I'll just flip. Often the people who use I's also incorrectly call themselves myself.
*Hybrid: This one especially bothers me when used to describe art made by people who swagger to their scanners, scan their art, then add stuff to it in Photoshop.
*Resonate: It's faux deep. I am tired of people asking, "does this idea resonate with you?" instead of: "Whaddaya think?" Not every thing has to touch my soul deeply. I can just agree or disagree.
*Reach Out (instead of contact or talk to)
*H1N1: Nobody has it, whew. Why is it still news?
*Census: I have email from 2008 I still haven't answered, sorry no time to fill out that thing.
*Look, clearly: Oh, enough already!!!! You would be so much more clear if you would just go ahead and say whatever it is, instead of asking that everyone let you be clear. Let me be clear: at the end of the day, all this meta speak does not resonate with me at all.
*Miss: For reasons I still haven't figured out, adults call me Miss Linda. This must stop. I am not a kindergarten teacher and if I were, it would still not be ok.

And to balance things out, some words we still love and use way too often, probably to the annoyance of everyone around us:

*LAME!
*Delish!
*What?!<--- actually, we say this one with an English accent. We are so affected. It's more like WOT?!
*What can choo do? <--- Buddha bless Ignacio.
*Kill me now!
*I am soooo done!

We really do speak with exclamation points.

******

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Meeting In The Ladies Room by Linda Woods and Karen Dinino

ice cream is the new cupcake

Ice cream cones are my new cupcakes. I can't stop eating them. Even when it is freezing cold and raining, I want a cone. Oh that last bite of the pointy cone that's full of melty ice cream...HEAVEN! My newest addiction has become a new series of prints and the first two are now in my shop next to their cousins the The Cupcakes. My favorite flavor will be added to the lineup next.

I have learned something I never knew in the last few months of my new thing. My husband loves vanilla ice cream*and even though I don't like real strawberries, I do like strawberry ice cream. I guess I'd just never had good strawberry ice cream before. Kind of like when I was a kid and I only ever had canned green beans. Then I grew up and found out green beans don't only come in cans. Now that I have had real green beans, I love those, too. I tasted real strawberries (again) with my strawberry ice cream and I still don't like those. I am thinking I need to retry all the sugary foods I did not like as a child, just in case.

*Odd because he's never ordered it before.

because i am forty

This month I will turn forty-one years old. I am pretty sure that Karen could not be happier about it.  I think on the eve of my 41st birthday she will throw herself a party for one in honor of a phrase she will never have to hear again.  I could not wait to turn forty because I could not wait to use it as the end of my favorite sentence. No, I am not doing that-- I am forty.
Last year at this time we posted our Company Policy and have done a really good job of following our own rules. It's really hard not to follow a policy you create for yourself as soon as you realize exactly what is going on. There were many times when we'd ask each other which policy number we would violate by engaging in certain situations. When we'd get done laughing at ourselves, we'd ignore the jealous bitches, not hire the bored people, or not do the thing we didn't really want to do..because I was forty. And she was forty-five. When you're forty (and forty-five) and you're comfortable in your forty -year- old skin, and you're aware of what is going on, saying no is good and empowering.
Sometimes I said yes because I am forty,and sometimes I said nothing because I was forty,  and more often than not I said I get to do this now because I am forty.  And as forty-one nears I wonder when things will get easier already, I am fucking forty! Forty, forty, forty.

After a year of being an age so many women dread, I don't really get what is so upsetting about it. Well, unless you're Karen and I am your sister and you had to hear because I am forty! every day. I could see that making forty a year to dread.

*Go Wander Fly prints are available in my shop. They were created when I WAS FORTY.

sleepless nights

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~I have new prints and art on canvas in my shop.
~My husband got the go ahead from Dr. Adorable that it is safe to return to the gym for light exercise (not upper body, though). He is very happy. In a month, strength training physical therapy may begin! Only five more months to go!
~No more wet cat food on the menu and Suki still loves me.  Why can't they make wet cat food smell better? Gag city.
~Quaker mini-delights caramel drizzle cardboard--er--multigrain cakes.  Somehow, these awful things are really good.
~Throwdown with Bobby Flay and his two assistants who hate him. 
~My intuition hasn't been letting me down.

Our Bêtes Noires:
~The entire season of Big Love was LAME. It was trying to be Dallas mixed with Coal Miner's Daughter mixed with Little House On The Prairie mixed with Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
~Lost is too boring to comment on.
~In an effort to save money we are switching our cable and internet companies which is causing me sleepless nights. We've had the same internet company for ten years and rarely ever have problems.  I'm imagining the worst scenarios ever- slow downloads, slow uploads, outages, and no cable while my husband is home. I'll be stomping around the house unable to work and screaming I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN RELIABLE INTERNET  SERVICE  AND MY THYROID MEDICATION!
~Cinnabon is having an identity crisis.  WHAT is with that lame slogan: "life needs frosting"?? It's a CINNAMON ROLL place, not a frosting store, not even a cake store. Apparently some other exasperated grammar freak told them that, because now they are selling cupcakes, to justify their slogan. The cupcakes are small, and look unappealing.  Maybe that is because they are a CINNAMON ROLL place, and they ought to stick to what they do better than anyone. And lose the tiffany-blue box. We don't need jewels: Life Needs Spice, and Cinnabon used to have it.
~No earphone or earbud EVER fits in my ear. I will crash trying to get the motherfucker in my ear. <----- that was Karen and I didn't edit it just to prove I am not the only one who swears. Send your hate mail to her.
~What is with the host of Shear Genius? Why couldn't they get one who can SPEAK? I can't believe Jonathan Antin isn't borderline pissed off  by her inability to enunciate.



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