I Am Art

black seeds

Little black seeds that resemble bugs are a bad idea in salads.  I think they are a bad idea in most foods, but especially so in salad. Bugs do live in lettuce. The Pasadena Salad from my Boyfriend Joe is really good but it takes 3 hours to eat it because you have to check to make sure each seed is not a flea, legless ant, or cockroach and after all that, you just aren't hungry anymore.

Swine flew

The other day I was listening to the radio and they had this report about swine flu. I was sort of interested and sort of not because I think I have only ever gotten the flu a couple times in my entire life. We both only ever get really bad strep throat and sinus infections and we get those regularly. I have never gotten a flu shot and was pretty convinced I'd not get the swine flu shot, too. The announcer sounded very excited about her next bit of reporting with NEW DETAILS!!! She had statistics that show that women do a much better job than men do of washing their hands, covering their mouths when they cough and sneeze,and in general not being gross.  Even though Karen was not in the car with me when I heard that report, I gave her the look. Well, duh. Even the cleanest man is gross. Have you ever lifted up the toilet seat where a man has peed? There is always pee on the seat. Always. Have you ever been in a waiting room anywhere full of mostly men? The sounds you hear will prevent you from eating ever again.
I am not going to get a swine flu shot. I am just going to avoid men.


*Photo by Dustin Woods

sweet and sugary

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~A fun night out with Jeanne and her daughter, Cassidy, at the Brandi Carlile concert! It's so great not to have to pretend I don't say fuck a lot.
~Last night I noticed Suki sitting at the sliding door meowing to herself (that part isn't weird). I turned on the light and got quite a shock! Apocalypse was sitting right there talking back! We had not seen her in months.
~The article where I call my leetle brother sparkly is out now. It's a really good article especially if you are close with your siblings, you'll get it. If not, you'll wish you were. Or, if you are one of the people who really hates Tod, it will give you more stuff to write in your I HATE TOD GOLDBERG articles. Also, you will find out stuff about us you never knew. Go read it.
~Queen Latifah's new perfume, Queen, smells really good. It's very sweet and sugary and  similar to Angel, but kind of more like A-Men.
~Chai lattes in my own house, whenever I want.
~The rolling cat litter box works GREAT! I never thought I'd ever write about litter boxes. I was skeptical and that it was a scam, but the Omega Paw does really work. The only thing is it takes a lot of space to roll it. We have it in a small bathroom and have to take it out of the bathroom to roll it. It's totally worth it. Totally. And, it's not exactly "self-cleaning" since you do have to roll the box. It's just that you don't have to scoop or dig.
~Caramel Chunky Kit Kats. Delish.

Our Bêtes Noires:
~I can't drink my chai latte at home out of a real cup. I am so used to drinking drinks from paper cups with straws that drinking out of a mug seems awkward and weird and I end up spilling everything down the front of me. Starbucks is doing to drinking what email and texting are doing to handwriting.
~The bottle Queen Latifah's perfume comes in is too embarrassing to have on your bathroom counter and almost too embarrassing to go sniff in public. It's odd because Queen Latifah is our fantasy cool aunt and we expected a cool bottle. It's the perfect bottle for a barbie doll who lives in her camper in Las Vegas. It's worse (and somehow different) in reality than on the website. Not that there's anything wrong with living in a camper in Las Vegas.
~Coach makes ugly purses now. We need a new favorite leather purse maker. Or even fake leather. Just not shiny crap with huge buckles and unusable pockets.
~Hotels and airports need to stop storing extra toilet paper in the space behind the current roll in use--you cannot ROLL the roll with that extra one there!
~Why can't anyone make tissue or wipes that do not stick together, causing you to pull out 20 at a time?!
~The BODY SHAPE pads fit NO better than the "we thought nothing about your body shape when we made these suckers" pads

*This should be the PMS list, in which all things bathroom annoy the fuck out of us.

rolly poly bits

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~It's red scarf and hot chocolate weather
~The Trader Joe's apple bread mix was better than I expected it to be. It does need cool whip or cream cheese. At first, when it was warm I tasted a bit of fake appleness but the next day when I ate the second half of the loaf for breakfast, I decided it was really good and the fakiness was gone.
~A new Brandi Carlile CD! I'm still not sick of her first two so I now need a cd player that can hold more discs. I'm loving her new one and can not wait for her concert this weekend. I'm loving Pride & Joy and Dying Day. Actually, I like the entire cd. You won't be disappointed if you are a Brandi fan.
~Another new cd! Highwire by Dawn Langstroth. WOW! Check  out her video for Dark and Twisted. Oh how I love this song. You can read more about her on Pam's blog, The ThoughtVox.
~Glamour magazine is featuring "real women" with rolly poly bits just like the rest of us have! Not on the cover, mind you, but in the magazine at least.
~So glad we had the chance to meet Huston Smith in person in our lifetime. There's a great article about him in the current issue of Shambhala Sun magazine.
~McDonald's chicken snack wraps are really good. They may not actually qualify as a snack calorie-wise, but they are a tasty lunch.


Our Bêtes Noires:
~None of the "real women" in Glamour Magazine have double chins. Or triple chins. They all have thin necks and one chin. Hmmmm.
~Columbus Day. Lame. Let's keep the economy going by not closing things like the post office and bank so we can get stuff done.
~People making things way harder than they have to be and taking a long time to do it.
~In the first rain of this fall, I discovered the one little difference between Costco Uggs and real Uggs: the Costco ones lose their tread within 9 mos, causing extreme slipperyness on wet ground.  Sorry, no iPhone pics available. (<---- It's Karen wearing Uggs. I still make fun of people who wear them. She has to wear them because of the never ending toe saga)
~McDonald's grilled chicken anything-but-snack-wrap are horrid.
~Karen's daughter is turning 15 on this weekend which must mean WE HAVE AGED, TOO.

tossing

We have about 2 weeks to finish working on this and since I like to wait until the last minute to do everything, I am now really busy. So of course this is also the time my husband ordered a big garbage bin be delivered to our house for the remains of a fence and whatever else I want to toss in there. Oh how tempting! I don't even have a lot of stuff I need to toss but the fact that I CAN toss it makes me want to just run through my house grabbing stuff to dump in the bin.
I know all the shows tell you to make piles to separate the donations from what you are really tossing but have you tried to donate anything lately? Pretty much the only thing donation centers will take are Lucky Jeans NEW WITH TAG,  dishes still in the box, and unopened video games. You also won't get a tax deductible receipt for these items anymore. Nobody wants anything they can't resell on ebay. Donating stuff is just too damn much work. Unless a friend wants it, it's easier to toss all your stuff in the bin you are paying for and hope the Recycle Fairy at the other end sorts through your stuff and sends your old stretched out clothes to Mexico. Who really has time to drive around with 6 bags of crap in their trunk trying to find a place that will take it? That can't be good for the environment and it ends up costing money in gas and multiple trips to Starbucks. So yeah, I am tossing it all, without guilt.
All this purging feels good.

freedom to toss

Today We're FEELIN' GROOVY about:
~We have a recipe in a cookbook with Diana Gabaldon, Margaret Atwood and Lisa See. That's a damn cool list to be on! Our recipe is for banana bread that isn't dry and flavorless.
~Fantasy pumpkins. Oh how we love these. They should be available all year.
~Fingerless gloves. I can keep my hands warm and still use my iPhone non-stop. Also, I feel like I am still in the 80's.
~A big garbage bin is being delivered here tomorrow. Ah, the freedom to toss stuff.
~BIG Wheat Thins.Thinner than the original size and just as addictive.
~Bloggers will be legally required to disclose when they are being paid to say they like a product. I bet many bloggers won't be claiming acid free adhesive works better than the chemical glue now. I am happy to say nobody has ever paid us to say anything. Though, we pay Trader Joe an awful lot to try his food and tell you how good it is (or isn't).

Our Bêtes Noires:
~We keep getting proof that nobody listens to anything we say especially if the word no is involved.
~My house is so cold that I need to wear the gloves inside.
~I feel like a wino wearing fingerless gloves.
~Pumpkin pie. Gross. It has the texture of a lip (yes, I say this every fall and it's still true).
~For the first time in her entire life, Karen forgot her makeup bag in a hotel. She didn't realize it until she was at the airport trying to get a new flight since she missed the one she was to be on. Luckily, the hotel peeps found the makeup bag and didn't steal her Bobbi Brown trio of eye shadows! They are fed-exing her makeup back. Whew!
~The world is coming to an end. After months of not seeing her, yesterday I saw Apocalypse the black cat outside. Not good, not good at all.

on the account of the economy

Every time I talk to our leetle brother, Tod, I try to start at least one sentence with on the account of the economy because it makes him crack up when I sound all Bruce Springsteeny. Things are changing in my neighborhood on the account of the economy and it's a bit creepy.
I suspect I won't be able to write about my neighbors much longer because everyone is getting all chummy on the account of the new creepiness and I am pretty sure that someone will tell someone that the guy who looks all good Christiany (but is not) is married to a Jew (with g-a-y friends) who blogs and then my secret will be out. I am still shocked it wasn't out when Goth Wiccan ended up being my surgery nurse! But, nobody has said anything and if they did, well that would make an awesome post!
We live near a lake and up until about a year ago, all the neighbors would park their boats, Hummers, and big ass gas-guzzling SUVs all over the street as symbols of how much money they had (and how small other things were). People were not really talking to each other because they just did I HAVE MONEY drive by's. See my boat! See my car! See my tricked out RV! See, I AM AMAZING!!!!
On the account of the economy, the cars and boats and phallic symbols slowly started disappearing from the driveways and streets and were replaced with smaller, more economical cars. The mornings filled with the sound of engines revving were being replaced with the sound of barking dogs. When people lost their big cars, they got big dogs. Big barking dogs. And everyone now stands in their front yard with their big dogs barking and unleashed. Then, when another neighbor comes out with their dog, the first unleashed dog runs over to sniff the new dog and the neighbors start chasing their dogs and sniffing each other.
Our new next door neighbors got a Great Pyrennees puppy. It's a male and it will be huge. Its bark will be a mighty roar.
My wee kitten and I sit in the window watching the interactions as we predict which neighbor will now be getting a Great Dane, on the account of the economy.

porcelain

I always pretty much knew I didn't ever want to be pregnant. One day many years ago Karen solidified that feeling when she stumbled across some article about freaky disorders and pregnant women who (due to hormone changes) suddenly crave pavement and porcelain and knock their teeth out trying to eat it. Even though I have never craved either of those things, I figured that would be the thing that would happen to me. I'd see pavement and wonder if I could ever crave it. When I'd brush my teeth and spit into the sink I'd wonder if I'd ever want to chomp on the rim of the bowl. Neither thing ever, ever, ever sounded tasty. It totally freaked me out and I always associated pregnancy with wanting to eat sidewalk. And I made sure to never get pregnant.
The other morning summer left with a forceful wind. It made our kitten very nervous when I opened the sliding glass door to let some fresh air in. She ran up stairs right away. Moments later I heard an odd clicking noise coming from the small upstairs bathroom that's mostly just a sink and toilet.
Suki was trying to EAT THE SINK. She got nervous and craved porcelain. Her tiny teeth nervously bit all the way around the rim of the sink.
I got dizzy. I also got my camera.

It just figures that I got the cat with the disorder I have been trying to avoid.

*Remember Julia Fordham's song Porcelain? I love it, still.

Not the hardest word

Elton John was wrong. Sorry is not the hardest word to say. If you've waited and waited for an apology that never came, this list is for you.
Check all that apply, and pretend you've received the perfect apology. Or better yet, direct the offender to this list and hope he or she gets a clue.


I am so sorry.
I totally fucked up and am the biggest idiot ever.
I get that I did the thing you hate and now there's nothing attractive about me.

-You were right. Again.
-I know it isn't your fault that I lied, broke the rules, cost us money, and nearly wound up expelled and/or in jail.
-I totally wasted hours and hours of your time being mad at you for this imagined outrage.
-Sorry I am about to continue being mad at you for my own immature, self-centered behavior.

-I did exactly what I always get mad at you for, so you can go ahead and do it 100 times.

-Sorry I am mad at you for not [choose one]: 1) needing me enough to fulfill my need to avoid self-knowledge; 2) being my mother; 3) letting me be your mother; 4) fixing my childhood; 5) pretending you didn't notice I totally dissed you.
-Sorry I thought it was OK to vomit all over you because I am sick.
-Sorry I am mad I apologized.

-Sorry I waited months to tell you the real thing I am mad about, and now I have to make up shit.
-Sorry I facebooked, twittered, IM'd, and texted you when you didn't answer on the second ring.
-Sorry I got all needy and emailed your siblings when you got busy for a minute and couldn't respond to me.
-Sorry I keep posting bad pictures of you online not really by mistake.
-Sorry I begged you to spend hours working on my design project then couldn't be bothered to acknowledge receiving it or to thank you enough
-Sorry I pretended not to know your logo was trademarked.
-Sorry I sold art that actually had your art in it.
-Sorry I just wiped the knife with a napkin and didn't really wash it.
-Sorry I ignored how my pets snagged your pants and drooled on your blouse while we were talking.
-Sorry I assured you I would do it, then at the last minute agreed that actually, I can't.
-Sorry that I left and did not come back and there are photos of where I was all over facebook.
-Sorry I never paid child support, but talked incessantly about my new wife and great step children, and wanted to "be a family" again as soon as you reached age 18.
-Sorry I ask for your advice about how to make up for doing to other people the very same awful thing I did to you, and still haven't made up for.
-Sorry I never told you that was the wrong shade of foundation.
-Sorry I made you wait for me.
-Sorry I made you wonder if I was in a horrible accident or dead.
-Sorry I thought your time was less valuable than my own.
-Sorry I keep thinking you work for free.
-Sorry I interrupted because I have a penis issue.

You deserve better and I hope you will give me the chance to earn your trust and love again.

-We can listen to your CDs every time we are in the car.
-You can decide what we have for dinner for the rest of time.
-I'll do all the laundry and clean the bathrooms.
-You can be in charge of the TV remote at all times.
-You never have to do anything with my friends or relatives ever again.
-At the holidays I will do my own gift shopping.
-I'll never assume you're awake and want to have sex when you're just getting up to pee in the middle of the night.
-I'll walk the dogs on all the rainy nights
-I'll stay with the kids while you go have fun doing whatever you want.
-I will unfriend whoever you want me to. You can even write my status updates.
-I will check my sent emails for the last 3 years to be sure I am not asking for the same reassurance for the 100th time.
-I will not do a ton of unwanted favors for you, then be mad you don't appreciate them.
-I won't act like a dick.
-If your car breaks down and you need a ride, I will come get you even if I am 6 hours away.
-I will be where I say I will be when I say I will be there.
-I will call or text if I am running late.
-I won't get all defensive when you tell me my outfit is lame.
-I will not stop saying how sorry I am unless it is annoying you and then I will stop immediately.

*We're sure people will be sending this list to us even though we wrote it. If  we have not apologized properly, we are sorry.