I knew last week when everything was going right that it meant everything was about to be not right. I knew it! I also knew I should never have said (in writing) I was not the type of sister to get a sympathy tattoo for Karen because my body rebelled and developed a sympathy spot! My first mammogram revealed what looks to my trained eye to be an undigested jellybean that strayed off course and landed in my left breast. Karen's spot is in her right breast. We're a set! I had more tests that confirmed the jellybean is in fact there. Funny how doctors don't call it a jellybean,though. They aren't calling it anything yet and seem optimistic that it might be nothing to worry about yet. As soon as I get the final report,I will get a second (and third) opinion and will figure out what to do. We have learned that answers do not come fast.
While I was having the second round of tests, I could not help but stand there shirtless and compressed and thinking to myself that surely this MO FO mammogram machine must be a left over from the Holocaust. This is what Jewish people do. We compare every moment of pain we are in to something from the Holocaust. If the mammo machine and the techniques used to diagnose breast problems were not from the Holocaust, they were invented by some sick bastard who hates women. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Because really, while I was there in the moment, I could think of many ways these tests could be performed BETTER. And, because not enough time out of my life the last couple weeks has been devoted to going to doctor appointments, waiting on doctors, dealing with insurance companies, writing letters to insurance companies, and teaching nurses how to do blood tests, I really had to spend some time finding out who invented the mammogram. Ahh, it was German surgeon Albert Soloman in 1913. All the Jewish people reading this just gave each other the look. In 1949, Raul Leborgne figured out that breasts need compression to identify calcifications. TWO MEN.
That explains things.
*The Gifts print is now available in my etsy shop.
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